Your Guide to Safe Passage—Before Leaving (Part I)

People wonder why women who are abused do not leave their violent partners. From the outside, it seems so simple, but it’s not. Living with a batterer is dangerous, but leaving one can be dangerous, too. This article is the first in a series of two on how to leave an abusive relationship safely. The second article is titled "Your Guide to Safe Passage—After Leaving (Part II)."


According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, one in four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime, and an estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year. Most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.


Many victims of domestic violence who leave end up returning to the abusers who hurt them. This is because they are forced to leave home suddenly, their lives in danger. If you are a victim of domestic violence who is trying to leave an abusive relationship, you will have a better chance of succeeding if you have a safety plan. This guide to safe passage will lead you through those steps. Please note that the information provided in this guide is designed to maximize safety. It does not guarantee that injury or death will not occur.


Follow these guidelines before you leave an abusive relationship.


Establish a network of people you trust to whom you can go for support. The members of your support system may include family and friends, as well as professionals (police, court system personnel, workers at a battered women’s shelter). The support you receive might include financial aid, legal assistance, emotional support, and help with day-to-day practical needs.


Individual counseling with someone trained in family violence is also recommended. Do not hesitate to ask your counselor about her credentials and philosophy as they relate to the issue of battering. If the counselor suggests reuniting or joint counseling with the batterer, find another therapist.


Your batterer may try to keep you away from friends and family. While you do not wish to provoke him, maintain at least some contact with the members of your support system. They are your safety net, and without them, it will be very hard to leave. Make a list of the people who are part of your support system. After each name, list what type of support this person is willing to provide for you, such as money, a place to stay, child care, or counseling.


Plan a safe place to go. It’s best if this is a place unknown to the batterer. You should have at least three or four alternatives planned in advance, so that you will have some options if your initial plan does not work out. Battered women’s shelters are often full and may have waiting lists. In addition, children over a certain age (especially male children) may not be allowed. Friends may back away from helping due to fear that your batterer will find you and retaliate against them for helping you. It is hard to think clearly in a moment of crisis. You must plan your options in advance.


Pre-planning child care resources is also an important step to take before leaving the batterer. List three or four safe places you can stay when you leave. Who will provide child care for your children after you leave your batterer?


Develop a plan for economic independence. Without financial resources, it is extremely difficult to leave a battering relationship. A batterer who controls his victim financially can more easily control her physically and emotionally. Think about how you will support yourself and your children and determine the steps you have already taken, and those you still need to take.


Avoid arguments and provocation, postponing as long as possible any future violence. Even though you are not responsible for your batterer’s violence, recognize that there are certain situations that he will use as an excuse to beat you. Therefore, try to avoid doing things that could trigger violence.


Learn more about domestic violence. Learning more about community resources that are available to you will help you to understand your situation better, realize that you are not alone, and give you the confidence it takes to leave a battering relationship. Make a list of community and domestic violence resources that are available to you from sources like the library, crisis hot lines, local shelters, referral agencies, and counselors.


Pack an emergency bag. Since you cannot always predict exactly when you will need to leave your batterer, pack a bag that includes items you will need if you have to leave in a hurry. Remove these items gradually so that the batterer will not recognize your plans. Items can include medications, changes of clothes (for yourself and your children), toys for your children, sentimental items, names and addresses of people in your support system, and cash and credit cards. Find a safe place to store this bag.


There are some other items you may need, but which might not be easy to pack ahead of time because you need them on a daily basis, or because the batterer might notice they’re missing. Try to keep these items together in a place where they will be easy to grab if you are in a hurry. These include identification (birth certificates and social security cards), school and medical records, insurance papers and medical insurance cards, and money, bank books, and credit cards.


You should also gather documents and other evidence related to your abuse, such as a journal or diary, letters or notes from the batterer, tapes of telephone calls, medical records, court affidavits, photos of injuries (best taken two to three days after an attack), and police reports. Consider storing this information at the home of a friend or family member, or in a safety deposit box.


Remove weapons. As a final step before leaving, it’s a good idea to remove any guns or other weapons that belong to the batterer. Turn them in to the police or court officials. The initial rage that the batterer feels once he knows you have left may be intense. By removing his lethal weapons, you will increase your safety during this critical time.